It's On Again.

Like many, I had created a list of things that I wanted to accomplish for the new year. Here's the list that I had saved on my laptop:

2014

No. 1: Read THE BIBLE more. Study it, and pray that God will open your heart to whatever He has planned for you in the upcoming year. SERVE The Lord through your thoughts & actions. Fill your heart with God's love.

No. 2: Exercise often. It is important to exercise to improve your mood and get your body going. This is also important in order to lose that weight! IT WILL HAPPEN. Only through hard work & perseverance.

No. 3: Become 100% vegetarian. This will not be easy. Only until you learn how to cook, make your own money, and be dedicated to your beliefs, will this happen. Ease into it!

No. 4: Get back to ballet.

No. 5: VOLUNTEER with Project Sunshine.

No. 6: Get a job. Any part-time job. Preferably at Build-a-bear; Starbucks; The Body Shop....just get some experiences somewhere!

No. 7: PUBLISH book. This is very important. Go find yourself an agent, and sell the book!!!!

LET YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.

No. 8: Read lots of books. Lets set the goal of reading 50 books. All new, not including the ones you're re-reading for pleasure. No matter what the number is though, give yourself a fruitful year of reading.

No. 9: Do well in school. Invest some interest in it.

No. 10: Learn a language. And actually be fluent in it. Preferably SPANISH.

So...some of these things have been accomplished. Let me say right off the bat that I did not do number 7 even though it was written in the biggest font possible. I did, however, work on the manuscript, but I wasn't satisfied with what I came up with. As a result, I needed a break from it, and decided to start a whole new manuscript. I am close to completing the first draft, and I'm really liking it. It's fantasy, which is a genre that I've never written in before, but I'm really enjoying it.

No. 9 was accomplished -- my grades for this semester was really good. No. 10 was nada. Must transfer that to next year's resolutions. No. 8 - I did read a lot of interesting books. Not 50, but a great set of books nonetheless. No. 6 was surprisingly accomplished - and made me swear off retail for life. No. 5 was sad and I did not do much volunteering (just one event). MUST MUST MUST transfer and accomplish that in the upcoming year. No.4 was interesting because I DID go back to ballet but not in the way that I intended. I had an awesome internship at my favorite ballet company and I got full ballet-ed out. I still love ballet though and I do hope I can take some classes again next year. No.3 is in the bag woohoo! No. 2 was ehhhh. No. 1 was accomplished but in a twisted way, sort of, because I did take a bible class this semester...and I didn't really enjoy it.

So, overall, I accomplished some pretty rad things in 2014. It was definitely an awesome year -- full of blessings not only for me but for my family. 2015 is going to be something: for one thing, I'm graduating college which means the rest of my life is going to start. I need to find a job - some way of supporting myself. My goal is to finish my manuscript, find an agent, and get it published which is both daunting and exciting of a process in and of itself. That's my main goal of 2015. I may not create a list like I did for 2014, but I might create one privately in my journal or something. I'm sort of superstitious in that way that I don't want to reveal too much of myself in fear of jinxing myself.

But whatever 2015 brings, I hope I'll be ready. And up for the challenge. And I hope that it'll be a happy and healthy year for my family and for YOU, dear dear reader. 

Books I Loved As A Tween/Teen

My zest for reading really came when I was a tween. As an eleven year old in middle school, I never felt more alone. I didn't fit in with the rest of the class and I was achingly socially awkward. Naturally, books became my best friends. I escaped to other worlds, adventures (more often than not I pretended the hot guys were my boyfriends), other people. Young Adult books were the first books to actually interest me, and I'm not ashamed of saying that. Most people cower when they hear of young adult books, but I don't see what's the big deal. Books are books no matter what your "tastes" are. True, not all young adult books appeal to me, but a lot of them did at a time when I needed the escape the most. So here are my favorite books as a tween. Note, that these do not include the young adult books that I enjoyed recently. I've narrowed it down to the books that saved me as a lonely middle schooler trying to get by.

The Diary of Anne Frank Anne Frank was my BFF. I was thirteen when I first read her honest words--and (even though I was not a Jewish girl living in Nazi Germany) I felt, for the first time, that I could relate. Her passages about not being able to have a decent conversation with anyone because they wouldn't take her seriously took me head on. Everything she spoke about, I was feeling. It was an amazing experience.

Code Orange by Caroline B. Cooney This book was awesome. It's about a boy who contracts small pox. Need I say more?

Avalon High by Meg Cabot This book was the first (and quite honestly the only) book I fangirled about. Seriously. I wrote fan fiction about it. I made a playlist on my iTunes compiling all the songs that reminded me of the novel. I met Meg Cabot and she signed my hardcopy. I don't know what it was about the book (probably the plot? About a group of teenagers who may or may not be reincarnations of King Arthur and his court) but I gushed over it in seventh grade. This also started the love story between me and Meg Cabot books. I can't wait to read her new Princess Diaries novel for adults coming out next year.

Mates, Dates series by Cathy Hopkins I loved this series as a middle schooler with no life. The way these British girls lived (by the way, I reallllyyy wanted to be British in middle school), inspired me in a way that I thought, one day I'll be like them. They shopped with their own money, had boyfriends, were able to hang out--all luxuries that I was denied (haha).

Missing Persons by m.e. rabb I'm surprised that this series is not that popular, and even out of print (I feel old), but I loved this  mystery series. Hopefully I can find them in their original covers that I loved.

Guitar Girl by Sarra Manning I remember writing a book in middle school about a band, and it was highly inspired by this book. I remember reading it in one sitting on my couch. Sigh. Good times.

Once Upon a Marigold by Jean Ferris Loved it because I got to imagine the guy as Hayden Christensen. I was obsessed with Hayden Christensen as a tween.

Queen Amidala Journal Gurrrlll, I was OBSESSED with Star Wars in middle school, when I first discovered the films (refer to obsession with Hayden Christensen). I really wanted to be Padme Amidala, and I remember loving this journal because I learned a lot about government (I think).

Fear Street series by R.L. Stine I remember spending one summer obsessively reading dozens of books in this series. I don't remember half of them, but it kept me interested.

Turning 21.

In America, as far as I know, turning 21 just equates to finally being able to drink alcohol (legally). But other than that, 21 is just 21. So why am I so freaking terrified of the fact that midnight tonight I will officially be 21?


I don’t care much about alcohol (frankly, I don’t like the taste), but turning 21 for me means that in a couple of months I will be graduating from college. Turning 21 means that I have to find a job that will sustain me enough that I could live alone–be independent. Turning 21 means that this is the start of my LIFE, basically. When you’re in school, you’re sort of protected. I don’t dorm, I still live with my parents, and I don’t think I will be moving out when I turn 21. But, “protection” in the sense where it’s (kinda) okay if you don’t have it all figured out yet, because all that is expected of you is to just go to school, study, get some life experiences here and there, maybe a part-time job, and that’s it.


But once you graduate, or are reaching graduation, all eyes are on your next move. Preparing for graduation means having to face that dreaded question: “What are your plans for the future?” Lady, I don’t even know who I am–how am I suppose to know the future?!?!


I know what they mean though. How are you going to support yourself? You have a Bachelor’s degree–what are you going to do with it? (Such scary questions). In my case, I’m getting a BA in Psychology, and I do plan on using that in some shape or form. Maybe. My main goal is to write. Get published. That is all the pressure I’m putting on myself because I’ve done that in the past (putting multiple pressures on myself) and it didn’t work out for the best.


So, that’s what turning 21 means to me. Getting everything sorted out so I can jump start my life in the best way possible. I do hope that in the future I can do some acting, film-making, and traveling. But I think that the pressure should stop, at least the pressure in your head. If you’re scared like me, don’t worry. You’re obviously not alone. It’s normal not to know exactly what you’re going to do after graduation. Figure it out by easing into adulthood. Listen to your true passions, and go after them.


Happy Birthday to me! :)


P.S. Today I saw Interstellar and whoaaaa what a film. I wish I knew more about astrophysics. Learning science in a classroom setting never worked out for me, so maybe after graduation I can start reading books on the topic and educate myself. See, I have plans after all!

Books I Enjoyed as a Kid/I Wish I Read More as a Kid

I was trying to remember what books I loved as a child, until I realized...I didn't read as much as I wish I did as a kid. My zest for reading didn't come until middle school (I'll do a different blog post dedicated to books I loved as a young teen). But during elementary school I was busy just being a kid, writing stories in my notebook, watching movies...basically doing nothing but enjoying life (seriously I don't know what I did as a kid). But, there were books that I remember loving. I loved going to the library and checking out books (didn't mean I read them all, I just loved having them)--and here are the books that stood out to me that even now as a 20-going-on-21-year-old can remember.




Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume. I read this in 4th grade, and I remember not paying attention to the teacher and just coming back to read some parts and my teacher totally called me out for it (but she was happy that I was enjoying the book). I don't know, but I loved Fudge and his antics and I loved the whole Fudge series. Judy Blume is boss!!!








The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin. I love mysteries - I don't really remember what this one is about though, but I read it a lot as a kid.

Where the Sidewalk Ends & The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. If you didn't grow up with Shel Silverstein's rhymes, then I'm sorry but you've been deprived. The Giving Tree especially got me thinking hard as an 8 year old.

The New Adventures of Mary Kate & Ashley. I'll admit. I was a hugggeeeee fan of the Olsen twins growing up. Full House was my life. I remember reading a lot of books from this series, and I even have some of the books in my current collection.

Holes by Louis Sachar. Like most kids, I watched the movie first before diving into the book, but I remember reading this and actually feeling proud that I read a book with long chapters.

Bunnicula. I love animals, but I don't necessarily love reading about them for some reason. But this series I enjoyed a lot because it was funny, had a dash of scary-ness to it, and mystery.

 

Forever by Judy Blume. If you read this book, you're probably wondering why this is included in books I read as a child in elementary school. Well, because I DID read this in fifth grade and this book was in high circulation amongst everyone in my class (secretly) and we all giggled and gasped at the mere mention of the s-e-x word. Eventually, the teachers found out exactly why we were all of a sudden so interested in reading, and reading this book in particular, so I think they took it out of the library. But yeah, that book...

  

The Amazing Days of Abby Hayes. I only read these three books of this series but I liked it because I loved how she was sort of doing the things I wish I was doing. Like chores (but getting allowance for chores). As a kid, I loved reading books of what it was going to be like being a young adult. Little did I know, it's not all that it's perked up to be.

Amelia's Notebook. I love keeping journals, as you might already know, so I loovveed this series. I aimed to keep my journals like this, but thus--I don't know how to draw nor am I as witty as Amelia.







So, there you have it. The books that I enjoyed as a kid (that I can remember). To this day, I still try to keep tabs on children's literature b/c 1) I want to write books for children one day and 2) As a way to compensate for the lack of reading that I did as a kid. But, I'm glad that I read books for pleasure and looking back I realize that I love books with elements of mystery and humor. Books are awesome, and I don't want to limit myself off to just "adult" books because I'm an "adult" (term used very, very loosely) I don't care what people think when I still check out some children's books from time to time.

NaNoWriMo, Acting, &Mockingjay!

Nov 21st-Nov 25th

Fridays are my favorite days because I have two of my favorite courses this semester: Great American Novel and Acting1. For our "finals" in acting class we have to prepare a scene from a play with our partners, line memorized and all. This past couple of weeks we've been rehearsing so Friday my partner and I rehearsed our scene for the class. It's from "Proof" by David Auburn; I'm playing Claire, and my amazing friend is playing Catherine. So far, I feel like I'm the weakest link in the play b/c I don't really understand my character. I'm struggling with really believing in her ideas while also being hungover (believe it or not, I have never been hungover so I did my best to imagine having the biggest headache ever (I also don't get really bad headaches haha)). But this time, my prof said I had a lot of improvement & my entrance was beautiful, so that really made me feel better. My scene partner is really good & she got the character down flat. Next step is just to keep rehearsing, keep believing in "my" ideas, and memorize the lines!

I really love my acting class, and my class is a bunch of funny, kind people! I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I really want to pursue acting b/c I realized how much I love it, and I've always loved films. When I was a kid I would love watching the behind-the-scenes specials b/c I loved hearing the actors talk about their craft. Because there aren't that many notable Asian American actresses (or actors), I never really thought it was possible. But after watching Lupita Nyong'o win an Oscar, her speech really motivated me to at least be brave, and just try. So I hope to turn this blog into a place where I can record my journey on this impossible road! 

Friday night, I passed the 25,000 words mark in NaNoWriMo! Halfway there! I've been struggling with this manuscript b/c it's the first time I'm writing fantasy & I need to remind myself to just let my imagination go! Also, the dialogue is different from what I'm used to writing, and so it's kind of hard to develop the romance organically. We'll see how it goes. I just need to keep writing, writing, writing!

On Nov 25th, my family and I went to see Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1! We went all the way to Broadway Mall in Long Island b/c I really love the theatre there, and we got to eat at the Ikea Restaurant. I love eating there b/c they have some great vegetarian options including these broccoli-potato medallion. Getting tickets was hard b/c everything was sold out. I went to buy tickets for Interstellar but my brother mentioned (after I bought them) that he saw Interstellar already so I went to exchange them for Hunger Games, and we managed to snag some seats but they were all the way in the front row! At least the chairs were reclining, but still, I had to slouch way down in order to be comfortable. It was my first time sitting in the front row--but the movie was great! I do feel like they could have compressed it into one movie, b/c a lot of the scenes seemed unnecessary & repetitive. I love Jennifer Lawrence's acting, but I wished Peeta was featured more (but I'll stop talking b/c I don't want to spoil it). But yeah--can't wait until the last movie! I think I'm gonna have to just read the books b/c I really want to find out what happens. 

Also, I loved this song that came up at the end credits. You can tell how far behind from the times I am, b/c I was like, who's singing? and my Mom of all people was like, "It's Lorde!" and for a second I was like, "Who's Lorde?" And then I was like, ohhh. Ok. 

writing two drafts at once!

I am doing something pretty ambitious! Drafting two different stories at once! Will I succeed? Time will tell (it's also not a good sign that I'm writing this blog post instead of actually...um...working on said drafts). I know most writers advise to just concentrate on one project at a time--but really I feel like I need to work on these two simultaneously in order to keep my sanity.

One reason is that one of the drafts I've been working on endlessly for the past four years (eight if you count all of high school since creating the kernel of the story) and I just need a breather. But I don't want to stop working on the first manuscript because I just got a sprite of inspiration after watching this phenomenal film, and so I feel all heat up to work on it. The second draft I've had in the back of my mind for a really long time, so I need to just let it out on a first draft and see what I can do with it.

So there you go. My reasons for working on two drafts at the same time. I'm keeping a word count tracker to keep me focused and to track my progress, which I recommend to every writer. I'm also going to be participating in NaNoWriMo for the very first time this year which should be fun. I don't know what to expect but I know things are going to be pretty busy. I have school, a new part time job (at a retail store, which means Black Friday is going to be cray-cray), and keeping up with working out and learning languages. That's it, right? Yeah, I think that's about it. Ha! I'm happy to be doing these things anyways.

I will update here about working on two drafts. We'll see how this goes. Wish me luck!

*ALSO* I'm totally pumped up for NaNoWriMo. Let's be writing buddies! nanowrimo.org/participants/scrumtrulescence

i don't know what to do with my life: part 2

I'm seriously just so confused right now.

Should I graduate next semester, take a break, do a little acting and writing here and there, and then apply for a master's program, and then to the Ph.D program?

I guess I should really go see an advisor. That is what they're there for, after all.

In other news, I'm really liking school right now. I'm finally interested, and I think I've recovered enough that I'm finally working. I'm so happy my mental health has caught up with me. I'm also dipping my toes back into writing and am planning on doing NaNoWriMo. I also need to get back to working out. I want to turn my YouTube channel into a language channel, which motivates me to keep learning.

That's what I'm doing right now. Don't know what I'll be doing in the future though. But I'm not going to worry so much about that. Just take things one step at a time. My next step: Go see an advisor.

Mama is always right though, so I'm going to listen to mine and graduate next semester. Graduate with no loans, no debt. Just finish it up. What I do know is that I don't want to jump right into a Ph.D or Master's program until I get some life experience. How can I help people without experiencing life myself, you know?

So I think this stream-of-consciousness post is getting me somewhere. Improve my grades as much as I can NOW, do my thing (acting and writing), and eventually go back to school and help people! I would really love to work with Doctors Without Borders as a mental health specialist. Sigh, dreams.

OKAY! I knew writing things out will help.

So, moral of the story is: if you're confused like me--write it out!

on knowing what to do with your life.

spoiler alert: i don't know what to do with my life.

But it isn't because there is absolutely NOTHING that I want to do--it's because there are so many awesome things that a person can do with their life, I don't know where to start. I'm not really the type of person that has one top-notch passion and everything else be damned...well, that's kind of a lie. I know writing is my main passion and one hobby/activity that i know if i don't pursue it, i wouldn't have lived my life honestly. My main dream is to one day be a published author--and I'm currently working on a YA manuscript that I hope will be tweaked and polished soon so I can start the intimidating lovely daunting exciting absolutely normal process of querying. But I want to pursue my other interests as well, such as ballet, acting, and eventually getting my Ph.D in clinical psychology. I also love to learn languages and I hope to travel the world one day. You see? I sound like a delusional little kid who dreams of being a space cowboy--only a space cowboy actually sounds like something that can be done.

Ultimately, I think life is too short and too precious to stunt or paralyze yourself from going after your dreams. Ask yourself, "Why not?" and then don't answer your own question. Pretend your question was asked by a senile woman diagnosed with Alzheimer's and just nod with a smile and move on. It's nice to have a plan, and actively work on it every day, but it's also important not to stress on the planning. It's OKAY if you don't know exactly how your dreams are going to play out - that's up to the glorious design of God.

Your responsibility is to make sure you're on track - whatever that track may be and even if you don't know where that track is heading. And if there are people along the way who are telling you that your dreams are invalid, and that they're impossible, use it as a greater motivation to prove their negative asses wrong.

Your dreams are valid, you deserve the most beautiful life that you can dream of, and anything is possible with hard work and a good heart.

don't get me wrong, i LOVE NY

New video!

I love to complain, and one of the things I love to complain about is the MTA. Early morning delays, crowded trains, strange characters & passengers - there's a lot of meat to chew when it comes to tearing up the structure of the subway.
But even though I'm recalling TRUE stories of my adventures of the MTA, I can't help but love the entertainment. Not just the entertainment of the underground musicians and performers, but the entertainment of simple people-watching.
If NYC was void of architecture, buildings, nightlife, but still had its people in tact, then it'll still be the greatest city in the world. You'll never be bored by the strange (in the best way possible) people. You'll see someone walk by and automatically think, what has that person been through? what's his/her story? what will happen to them once they leave this train?
Underground life is already enough. From the acrobatic "What Time is It? SHOWTIME!" guys that swing on poles and do flips on the moving D train between 59th street and 125th street and almost hit you in the face (but they never do) to the saxophone players, to the mariachi band, even a Michael Jackson impersonator, it's a real treat to get some free entertainment on your way to school.
Don't get me wrong--there's a huge downside to NYC and that's the millions of people without homes or jobs. It's sad to see homeless people in the train struggling by, but I'm often told that we shouldn't give them money? Well, even that were true or not, I never have money, so I give them a friendly smile instead and a silent prayer. I want to learn more about helping out with the homeless in NYC.
But, through the good and bad things, NYC is my home and will forever be my heart.

korean dramas

Let's talk about my most recent tale of romance, shall we?!

Okay. So. There was this guy that I was really interested in. I thought he was ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS, and everyone wanted him. So I wanted to get to know All That And A Bag of Chips as much as I could. I dug deep, and tried my best to get into his world. But through this dig, I stumbled upon another man. This stumbling was so random, it was almost like he had disguised himself as All That And A Bag of Chips in order for me to notice him in the first place. Before I knew it though, I fell in love with him, and now I am exploring his world, and loving what I'm discovering so far!

Alright, if that romance sounded so B.S. it's because it is. All That And a Bag Of Chips is actually Mandarin and the second guy in disguise is Korean! I'm talking about languages. At first, I wanted to learn Mandarin knowing that it is the most spoken language in the world, and it would probably help me score discounts in Chinatown. So, I tried to look for some shows in Mandarin to help me learn the language. I was digging deep in the DVD section in the library and found this one 8 disc set that said it had subtitles in Mandarin, English, and Korean and the languages were in Mandarin and Korean. I thought that Mandarin was the main language and there were just dubs in Korean, but it turns out to be the exact opposite. Long story short, it was pretty annoying to watch it in dubs, so I switched it to the original Korean (w/ Eng subs of course) and I fell in love with the Korean language -- also the culture, the people - everything!

So, last summer, I found myself in the Korean drama wormhole. The first Korean show I watched is called Hooray for Love and like all first loves, it has a special place in my heart.

There are so many things that I love about this drama. For one, the characters. The leads are so cute together, but I also adored the little girl and the mother of the lawyer ("Shut the mouth!"). 

isn't she cute? i was rolling on the floor laughing when she was learning Tagalog and was like "I have to change my name to Blanca!"

What I loved about this drama was that it also focused on the forgiving power of love, and I liked how it had a romance between "older" people and a romance between the young. It's overall a feel good show with lots of teary-eyes moments and scenes that makes you crave for some porridge.

And of course, there is the king of all Korean dramas: Secret Garden.

My friend recommended this one to me, and I watched it with my mom, and now my mom is an adopted Korean citizen thanks to this show. 

Don't get me started on how much I love the song "That Man." I LOVED Oska though (his voice, his character, everything). And to be honest, I was sort of rooting for her to end up with her boss/stuntman. But, oh well. That's what happens when you don't pursue the girl you love--you lose her to someone who fights for her heart. 

So, I'm still learning Korean, and it's going to take a while before I can actually start conversing with people, but I'm excited to learn more about this amazing culture! 

i'm not afraid.

Cue Eminem song.
In fact, I think Eminem/rap songs in general are key to everyday motivation. But that's not really the point of this post...
When I was in high school, I wasn't the bravest person ever, but I was still pretty fearless to a certain extent. I joined the track team with no experience in long-distance running, sprinting, hurdles, anything; I approached my teacher & asked if he could add more points to my grade because I worked pretty hard and told him I deserved a higher grade than what he gave me; when I was 17, I laughed more, wasn't afraid to hang with groups of people. I thought about the future and I stressed about it, as you do, but it didn't leave me crawled up and shaking because I was hopeful that the future was going to turn out alright.
Fast forward to college. My first year demeanor was pretty much the same as my 16, 17 year old self. I changed majors, but I was still hopeful that the future was going to be great, I was confident in myself to succeed. Cue second year. I think that was the starting point of my downward spiral. the reality of my parents' unemployment was weighing in; my motivation in every day routines was waning. What the heck am I doing with my life--what the heck was I doing HERE? I started to lose confidence in myself, I started to think that my dreams wasn't going to turn into reality because of so many factors/obstacles in front of me. If only I had something to get me excited.
Enter Some Dude. I have known Some Dude for a while, but I didn't pay much attention to him in the few semesters that we've known each other. But I was getting signs that he "liked" me. Wow!Wow! A guy who likes me? I HAVE to like him too. Matter of fact, I have to make sure I do everything in my power to make sure he likes me, and continues to like me. Because, of course, there had to be solid, GOLD reasons why he would like someone like me. Suddenly my life revolved on getting Some Dude to like me--guarantee like me. So I made sure to be the type of girl he would like. I changed my interests to match his, I changed my goals just to make sure he could fit into them, I changed the way I laughed (yes. this is true. I studied how people laughed and copied it and practiced it) so he would think I was fun; I changed the way I talked, so we could be on the same page (it wasn't that he was stupid/dumb, but he just avoided being smart). He would have to like me now that I became his "ideal" girl, right? Let's hang out--all the time! I asked him out a couple of times, & we had an okay time. But then, my plan of getting him to confess his feelings like Usher wasn't working. Wait....does this mean he doesn't like me? I was giving up. Suddenly there was a voice in my head saying, "Why would he ever like YOU?" And I believed that voice. I believed that I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't funny enough, I was basically not good enough for him to like me, for anyone to like me. In hindsight, it was never about Some Dude. I didn't really like him for who he was--I only liked him because I just wanted someone to like me, because I didn't like myself. Because to be honest, when we did go out, we had nothing to talk about. The air was dead and dry. But I still convinced myself to like him.
After this, I continued to listen to the voice that I wasn't good enough. During the summer after Get Some Dude To Like You mission, I was supposed to meet my aunt and cousin--I hadn't seen them in years. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "I'm never going to impress them." You know when you haven't seen someone in a long time, and you think, when you DO see them again, you want to impress them--show them that in the long time you haven't seen each other, that you've done something with your life--you had this major transformation romantic comedies could envy? Well, that voice in my head was telling me, "They're going to be SO disappointed when they see you." So you know what I did? I locked myself in the bathroom, sat on the floor hugging my knees, crying, as my aunt and little cousin were eating dinner with my family. I told them I wasn't feeling well and needed to be cooped up in the bathroom for a while. I heard them laughing, and chatting, and having a good time. Something they could do well without me. No one needed me to have a good time, and that was fine with me. Better to disappear.
That same summer, I was supposed to go to ballet class, but I could never manage to go. the thought of my fat self in a leotard was so scary. (even though I had been studying ballet for years). I quit ballet. When school started again, I made sure to avoid Some Dude, even though, poor guy, he had no idea what was going on. I made no effort into my appearance. I wore the same sweater everyday, and I didn't make any effort to make friends or talk to classmates. I was fine being melded into the background. I had no appetite for learning. I couldn't care less about what happened in class. Starting a paper made my heart race. Sure, before I procrastinated, even in high school. But this time, I felt paralyzed. I was so scared of failing, but I failed anyway.
I know none of it made sense. But then something happened & it made me take a good hard look at my suicidal thoughts. It made me turn around and say, I need to take some control over my life.
I can't be afraid anymore. The things that I could do without any worry, without any thought, gave me panic attacks. I deleted my Facebook, got off every social media site, because I wanted to isolate myself. I didn't want any human interactions because I didn't like myself, so who would like me?
I know it sounds weird, and maybe it doesn't make any sense. but I was tired without having done anything. I didn't care about what happened to me. I didn't care about anything.
Then 2014 came, and things were changing. I got an internship, and the people there made me feel less afraid of interacting with people. in fact, I was getting better at it. I wanted to talk to people. I wanted to look nice, and made an effort in how I looked. I was interested in my classes. I was re-gaining confidence.
It wasn't an overnight thing. To this day, I still get little panics over the simplest things. But I'm motivated to get better. I am aware of all the wonderful things life has to offer, has yet to offer. But I also know things aren't just handed to you--nothing is guaranteed. Our job is to make the most of everything. I am actually grateful for that period of depression because it gave me a certain softness that I didn't have before. I am also consciously aware of the feeling of being afraid, so I can make an intended effort to NOT be afraid. Whenever I feel scared, I think of it as a challenge that needs to be overcome, rather than letting the fear dictate what I can't do.

interning w. american ballet theatre

last spring i had the blessing of an opportunity to intern in the special events department of american ballet theatre, my favorite ballet company in the world! my first pair of ballet slippers came in an ABT box; the first ballet that i ever saw was ABT's production of Swan Lake with Michelle Wiles as Odette/Odile & Cory Stearns as the Prince. this company means a lot to me, so being able to wake up every other day to head to 890 Broadway has been like a dream.

everything - from the administration office, to the studios where the company rehearses, to the JKO school - is located at 890 Broadway, an old building that still has man-operated elevators--and so much history! every time i went to the bathroom, i would pass by the piano music and see glimpses of my favorite ballet dancers rehearsing. in the hallways, i saw roberto bolle, misty copeland, hee seo, isabella boylston, and even Natalia Makarova!!! (she's so tiny! but i love her head scarf!)

all that aside, the actual internship experience was so worthwhile. my mentor/boss was/is awesome and she was so patient with me (b/c i made a LOT of mistakes), and i am so grateful that I got to work with her in preparing for the spring gala. as a special events intern, i worked mostly with the database system called Raiser's Edge (I wrote a blog post about it on the ABT intern blog - check it out by clicking here!) My relationship with Raiser's Edge was a shaky, sometimes abusive & frustrating one, haha, but knowing how to work it is essential if you want to work at a non-profit.

In preparing for the spring gala, I helped organize the guest list, seating, bios, invitations...it was actually pretty fun! but of course, May brought the real fun times, even though it was a pretty busy month, especially since I was also juggling final exams. The spring gala was awesome, and I was surprised at how smoothly it went (thanks to the amazing team at ABT!). There were a lot of celebrities, most notably Selena Gomez, whom I've heard was really nice and friendly, although I never got the chance to interact with her, oh well. i had so many precious memories of that night--hopefully if i ever become rich i can buy myself a ticket one day!

May was also the start of ABT's Met opera season, which meant I basically was going back and forth to Lincoln Center! the other interns and I got to meet Charles Barker, one of the conductors, and basically go through the maze that is the backstage of the met opera house! I even got to sit in a box seat! Let me tell you, a box seat is magical and adds some fancy time to the ballet seeing experience. a funny story: some of the interns and i were suppose to sit in one of the boxes after helping out in an event but there were people already sitting in our seats (even though we had the ticket). we went to the usher about it, and it turns out that Kevin McKenzie and company were the ones sitting in our seats! oops! but they were all really nice about it, & let us sit down. it was funny and embarrassing and wow - awesome to sort of meet Kevin McKenzie!

i have to say this experience at ABT has meant a lot to me. 2013 was not a good year for me, but having this experience early this year was truly a blessing and helped me out a lot, more than what can be put on a resume. my co-workers are really the nicest people ever, and i hope they will find success in everything they do. ABT will always have a special place in my heart. not only as a ballet geek, but as a part of this crazy journey that is growing up! 

youtube videos!

one hobby that I recently picked up was making YouTube videos!
I never thought that I would actually enjoy the process of filming in front of my webcam, editing the clips, and then sharing them with the people of the internet.

It's fairly new, and I hope to upload more videos in the future, especially when I get better in the various languages that I'm currently studying (French & Korean; also brushing up on my Spanish & Tagalog).

In the meantime, here is my latest video about signs to look out for to see if a girl likes you!

I got inspired to start making videos after watching Apn9a's videos. She is so cool, and we share a lot of the same interests so check her out too! 

I highly recommend making a Youtube channel because it allows you to express yourself to everyone and no one at the same time. You're completely free to express yourself, show & share your interests and opinions, while also improving on your video-editing skills. I had ZERO knowledge on how to edit videos, and now (even though I don't consider myself a pro) I'm proud of how far I've come haha!

xx

welcome!

welcome! thanks for stopping by!
I'm the type to create blogs left and right, but I never manage to actually write posts...hopefully that'll be different this time around.
I hope this will be a happy, interesting, we're-in-this-together-you-and-me sort of place. I'll mostly be writing about languages, food, ballet, books, writing, school-stuff and general life rants.
I hope you enjoy!

xx