Cue Eminem song.
In fact, I think Eminem/rap songs in general are key to everyday motivation. But that's not really the point of this post...
When I was in high school, I wasn't the bravest person ever, but I was still pretty fearless to a certain extent. I joined the track team with no experience in long-distance running, sprinting, hurdles, anything; I approached my teacher & asked if he could add more points to my grade because I worked pretty hard and told him I deserved a higher grade than what he gave me; when I was 17, I laughed more, wasn't afraid to hang with groups of people. I thought about the future and I stressed about it, as you do, but it didn't leave me crawled up and shaking because I was hopeful that the future was going to turn out alright.
Fast forward to college. My first year demeanor was pretty much the same as my 16, 17 year old self. I changed majors, but I was still hopeful that the future was going to be great, I was confident in myself to succeed. Cue second year. I think that was the starting point of my downward spiral. the reality of my parents' unemployment was weighing in; my motivation in every day routines was waning. What the heck am I doing with my life--what the heck was I doing HERE? I started to lose confidence in myself, I started to think that my dreams wasn't going to turn into reality because of so many factors/obstacles in front of me. If only I had something to get me excited.
Enter Some Dude. I have known Some Dude for a while, but I didn't pay much attention to him in the few semesters that we've known each other. But I was getting signs that he "liked" me. Wow!Wow! A guy who likes me? I HAVE to like him too. Matter of fact, I have to make sure I do everything in my power to make sure he likes me, and continues to like me. Because, of course, there had to be solid, GOLD reasons why he would like someone like me. Suddenly my life revolved on getting Some Dude to like me--guarantee like me. So I made sure to be the type of girl he would like. I changed my interests to match his, I changed my goals just to make sure he could fit into them, I changed the way I laughed (yes. this is true. I studied how people laughed and copied it and practiced it) so he would think I was fun; I changed the way I talked, so we could be on the same page (it wasn't that he was stupid/dumb, but he just avoided being smart). He would have to like me now that I became his "ideal" girl, right? Let's hang out--all the time! I asked him out a couple of times, & we had an okay time. But then, my plan of getting him to confess his feelings like Usher wasn't working. Wait....does this mean he doesn't like me? I was giving up. Suddenly there was a voice in my head saying, "Why would he ever like YOU?" And I believed that voice. I believed that I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't funny enough, I was basically not good enough for him to like me, for anyone to like me. In hindsight, it was never about Some Dude. I didn't really like him for who he was--I only liked him because I just wanted someone to like me, because I didn't like myself. Because to be honest, when we did go out, we had nothing to talk about. The air was dead and dry. But I still convinced myself to like him.
After this, I continued to listen to the voice that I wasn't good enough. During the summer after Get Some Dude To Like You mission, I was supposed to meet my aunt and cousin--I hadn't seen them in years. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "I'm never going to impress them." You know when you haven't seen someone in a long time, and you think, when you DO see them again, you want to impress them--show them that in the long time you haven't seen each other, that you've done something with your life--you had this major transformation romantic comedies could envy? Well, that voice in my head was telling me, "They're going to be SO disappointed when they see you." So you know what I did? I locked myself in the bathroom, sat on the floor hugging my knees, crying, as my aunt and little cousin were eating dinner with my family. I told them I wasn't feeling well and needed to be cooped up in the bathroom for a while. I heard them laughing, and chatting, and having a good time. Something they could do well without me. No one needed me to have a good time, and that was fine with me. Better to disappear.
That same summer, I was supposed to go to ballet class, but I could never manage to go. the thought of my fat self in a leotard was so scary. (even though I had been studying ballet for years). I quit ballet. When school started again, I made sure to avoid Some Dude, even though, poor guy, he had no idea what was going on. I made no effort into my appearance. I wore the same sweater everyday, and I didn't make any effort to make friends or talk to classmates. I was fine being melded into the background. I had no appetite for learning. I couldn't care less about what happened in class. Starting a paper made my heart race. Sure, before I procrastinated, even in high school. But this time, I felt paralyzed. I was so scared of failing, but I failed anyway.
I know none of it made sense. But then something happened & it made me take a good hard look at my suicidal thoughts. It made me turn around and say, I need to take some control over my life.
I can't be afraid anymore. The things that I could do without any worry, without any thought, gave me panic attacks. I deleted my Facebook, got off every social media site, because I wanted to isolate myself. I didn't want any human interactions because I didn't like myself, so who would like me?
I know it sounds weird, and maybe it doesn't make any sense. but I was tired without having done anything. I didn't care about what happened to me. I didn't care about anything.
Then 2014 came, and things were changing. I got an internship, and the people there made me feel less afraid of interacting with people. in fact, I was getting better at it. I wanted to talk to people. I wanted to look nice, and made an effort in how I looked. I was interested in my classes. I was re-gaining confidence.
It wasn't an overnight thing. To this day, I still get little panics over the simplest things. But I'm motivated to get better. I am aware of all the wonderful things life has to offer, has yet to offer. But I also know things aren't just handed to you--nothing is guaranteed. Our job is to make the most of everything. I am actually grateful for that period of depression because it gave me a certain softness that I didn't have before. I am also consciously aware of the feeling of being afraid, so I can make an intended effort to NOT be afraid. Whenever I feel scared, I think of it as a challenge that needs to be overcome, rather than letting the fear dictate what I can't do.
