On Looking to the Future.

I am 22 years old which means that society perceives me to be on the "cusp" of life. The future is bright, the night is still young, and I have miles to go before I sleep. From talking to many of my friends, this also means being scared, being uncertain, or simply: confused.

Every time I make a decision, there's something in the back of my mind that doubts that it was a good choice at all. Like the fig tree in the Bell Jar, once you make a choice, goes die a hundred others. By taking this fellowship, I am committing my life (or at least the next three years) to this one thing - which means I cannot and probably will never do, five other things that I wanted to do (that I can't really mention here). But I am grateful. This is a huge opportunity, one that will give me security and a profession. It also completes my life goal of helping someone out in a meaningful way. That will make this choice worth it.

So I guess, when in doubt: serve. Which might be a controversial thing to say, because a lot of the times, it might be beneficial to a person to live selfishly. Live for your own goals. Perhaps that's just a Westernize individualistic culture mentality. Or the truth to life. Depends on who you're asking.

I don't have a point, so I'm sorry if you're reading this thinking that I have one.

If you really want one though, here it is: You can never ever successfully predict the future. There are too many factors involved in what will happen, many of which are out of your control. Ask an 18 yr old me what my plans are for the future and I would have said: "I'm going to be a pediatrician. I'm going to finish my bachelor's in biology then apply to medical school. I might even work for Doctors Without Borders." Ask a 19 yr old me the same question, and she'll say, "I'm going to be a professional ballerina. I'm going to beat the odds. I'm going to work for ABT, study in Russia. Ballet, ballet, ballet." The 20 yr old me, on the other hand will be a lot more confused about that ballet path and whether or not she even loves it that much, until eventually she'll say, "Actress. I'm going to be an actress."

You get my point. But let's say you're thinking, "Well, you're just an extremely fickle minded little girl," and maybe you're right. I am. I change my mind a lot. The 21 yr old would never have guessed that the 22 yr old me will be preparing to teach special education. But there were so many new events that influenced my decision that I could never have predicted in 2015, so here we are.

And I'm still looking to the future. I'm still setting goals. I still have dreams.

Our lives shouldn't be centered on our dreams and aspirations, contrary to popular belief. They're beautiful things to have, but we should be mindful of what really matters: other people. People who need help. People who have nothing. And it's an awareness of what we do have, right now, that will enable us to serve other people.

But our worth isn't what we hope to be, it's who we are now. And our ability to simply be happy.