writing two drafts at once!

I am doing something pretty ambitious! Drafting two different stories at once! Will I succeed? Time will tell (it's also not a good sign that I'm writing this blog post instead of actually...um...working on said drafts). I know most writers advise to just concentrate on one project at a time--but really I feel like I need to work on these two simultaneously in order to keep my sanity.

One reason is that one of the drafts I've been working on endlessly for the past four years (eight if you count all of high school since creating the kernel of the story) and I just need a breather. But I don't want to stop working on the first manuscript because I just got a sprite of inspiration after watching this phenomenal film, and so I feel all heat up to work on it. The second draft I've had in the back of my mind for a really long time, so I need to just let it out on a first draft and see what I can do with it.

So there you go. My reasons for working on two drafts at the same time. I'm keeping a word count tracker to keep me focused and to track my progress, which I recommend to every writer. I'm also going to be participating in NaNoWriMo for the very first time this year which should be fun. I don't know what to expect but I know things are going to be pretty busy. I have school, a new part time job (at a retail store, which means Black Friday is going to be cray-cray), and keeping up with working out and learning languages. That's it, right? Yeah, I think that's about it. Ha! I'm happy to be doing these things anyways.

I will update here about working on two drafts. We'll see how this goes. Wish me luck!

*ALSO* I'm totally pumped up for NaNoWriMo. Let's be writing buddies! nanowrimo.org/participants/scrumtrulescence

i don't know what to do with my life: part 2

I'm seriously just so confused right now.

Should I graduate next semester, take a break, do a little acting and writing here and there, and then apply for a master's program, and then to the Ph.D program?

I guess I should really go see an advisor. That is what they're there for, after all.

In other news, I'm really liking school right now. I'm finally interested, and I think I've recovered enough that I'm finally working. I'm so happy my mental health has caught up with me. I'm also dipping my toes back into writing and am planning on doing NaNoWriMo. I also need to get back to working out. I want to turn my YouTube channel into a language channel, which motivates me to keep learning.

That's what I'm doing right now. Don't know what I'll be doing in the future though. But I'm not going to worry so much about that. Just take things one step at a time. My next step: Go see an advisor.

Mama is always right though, so I'm going to listen to mine and graduate next semester. Graduate with no loans, no debt. Just finish it up. What I do know is that I don't want to jump right into a Ph.D or Master's program until I get some life experience. How can I help people without experiencing life myself, you know?

So I think this stream-of-consciousness post is getting me somewhere. Improve my grades as much as I can NOW, do my thing (acting and writing), and eventually go back to school and help people! I would really love to work with Doctors Without Borders as a mental health specialist. Sigh, dreams.

OKAY! I knew writing things out will help.

So, moral of the story is: if you're confused like me--write it out!

on knowing what to do with your life.

spoiler alert: i don't know what to do with my life.

But it isn't because there is absolutely NOTHING that I want to do--it's because there are so many awesome things that a person can do with their life, I don't know where to start. I'm not really the type of person that has one top-notch passion and everything else be damned...well, that's kind of a lie. I know writing is my main passion and one hobby/activity that i know if i don't pursue it, i wouldn't have lived my life honestly. My main dream is to one day be a published author--and I'm currently working on a YA manuscript that I hope will be tweaked and polished soon so I can start the intimidating lovely daunting exciting absolutely normal process of querying. But I want to pursue my other interests as well, such as ballet, acting, and eventually getting my Ph.D in clinical psychology. I also love to learn languages and I hope to travel the world one day. You see? I sound like a delusional little kid who dreams of being a space cowboy--only a space cowboy actually sounds like something that can be done.

Ultimately, I think life is too short and too precious to stunt or paralyze yourself from going after your dreams. Ask yourself, "Why not?" and then don't answer your own question. Pretend your question was asked by a senile woman diagnosed with Alzheimer's and just nod with a smile and move on. It's nice to have a plan, and actively work on it every day, but it's also important not to stress on the planning. It's OKAY if you don't know exactly how your dreams are going to play out - that's up to the glorious design of God.

Your responsibility is to make sure you're on track - whatever that track may be and even if you don't know where that track is heading. And if there are people along the way who are telling you that your dreams are invalid, and that they're impossible, use it as a greater motivation to prove their negative asses wrong.

Your dreams are valid, you deserve the most beautiful life that you can dream of, and anything is possible with hard work and a good heart.

don't get me wrong, i LOVE NY

New video!

I love to complain, and one of the things I love to complain about is the MTA. Early morning delays, crowded trains, strange characters & passengers - there's a lot of meat to chew when it comes to tearing up the structure of the subway.
But even though I'm recalling TRUE stories of my adventures of the MTA, I can't help but love the entertainment. Not just the entertainment of the underground musicians and performers, but the entertainment of simple people-watching.
If NYC was void of architecture, buildings, nightlife, but still had its people in tact, then it'll still be the greatest city in the world. You'll never be bored by the strange (in the best way possible) people. You'll see someone walk by and automatically think, what has that person been through? what's his/her story? what will happen to them once they leave this train?
Underground life is already enough. From the acrobatic "What Time is It? SHOWTIME!" guys that swing on poles and do flips on the moving D train between 59th street and 125th street and almost hit you in the face (but they never do) to the saxophone players, to the mariachi band, even a Michael Jackson impersonator, it's a real treat to get some free entertainment on your way to school.
Don't get me wrong--there's a huge downside to NYC and that's the millions of people without homes or jobs. It's sad to see homeless people in the train struggling by, but I'm often told that we shouldn't give them money? Well, even that were true or not, I never have money, so I give them a friendly smile instead and a silent prayer. I want to learn more about helping out with the homeless in NYC.
But, through the good and bad things, NYC is my home and will forever be my heart.

korean dramas

Let's talk about my most recent tale of romance, shall we?!

Okay. So. There was this guy that I was really interested in. I thought he was ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS, and everyone wanted him. So I wanted to get to know All That And A Bag of Chips as much as I could. I dug deep, and tried my best to get into his world. But through this dig, I stumbled upon another man. This stumbling was so random, it was almost like he had disguised himself as All That And A Bag of Chips in order for me to notice him in the first place. Before I knew it though, I fell in love with him, and now I am exploring his world, and loving what I'm discovering so far!

Alright, if that romance sounded so B.S. it's because it is. All That And a Bag Of Chips is actually Mandarin and the second guy in disguise is Korean! I'm talking about languages. At first, I wanted to learn Mandarin knowing that it is the most spoken language in the world, and it would probably help me score discounts in Chinatown. So, I tried to look for some shows in Mandarin to help me learn the language. I was digging deep in the DVD section in the library and found this one 8 disc set that said it had subtitles in Mandarin, English, and Korean and the languages were in Mandarin and Korean. I thought that Mandarin was the main language and there were just dubs in Korean, but it turns out to be the exact opposite. Long story short, it was pretty annoying to watch it in dubs, so I switched it to the original Korean (w/ Eng subs of course) and I fell in love with the Korean language -- also the culture, the people - everything!

So, last summer, I found myself in the Korean drama wormhole. The first Korean show I watched is called Hooray for Love and like all first loves, it has a special place in my heart.

There are so many things that I love about this drama. For one, the characters. The leads are so cute together, but I also adored the little girl and the mother of the lawyer ("Shut the mouth!"). 

isn't she cute? i was rolling on the floor laughing when she was learning Tagalog and was like "I have to change my name to Blanca!"

What I loved about this drama was that it also focused on the forgiving power of love, and I liked how it had a romance between "older" people and a romance between the young. It's overall a feel good show with lots of teary-eyes moments and scenes that makes you crave for some porridge.

And of course, there is the king of all Korean dramas: Secret Garden.

My friend recommended this one to me, and I watched it with my mom, and now my mom is an adopted Korean citizen thanks to this show. 

Don't get me started on how much I love the song "That Man." I LOVED Oska though (his voice, his character, everything). And to be honest, I was sort of rooting for her to end up with her boss/stuntman. But, oh well. That's what happens when you don't pursue the girl you love--you lose her to someone who fights for her heart. 

So, I'm still learning Korean, and it's going to take a while before I can actually start conversing with people, but I'm excited to learn more about this amazing culture! 

i'm not afraid.

Cue Eminem song.
In fact, I think Eminem/rap songs in general are key to everyday motivation. But that's not really the point of this post...
When I was in high school, I wasn't the bravest person ever, but I was still pretty fearless to a certain extent. I joined the track team with no experience in long-distance running, sprinting, hurdles, anything; I approached my teacher & asked if he could add more points to my grade because I worked pretty hard and told him I deserved a higher grade than what he gave me; when I was 17, I laughed more, wasn't afraid to hang with groups of people. I thought about the future and I stressed about it, as you do, but it didn't leave me crawled up and shaking because I was hopeful that the future was going to turn out alright.
Fast forward to college. My first year demeanor was pretty much the same as my 16, 17 year old self. I changed majors, but I was still hopeful that the future was going to be great, I was confident in myself to succeed. Cue second year. I think that was the starting point of my downward spiral. the reality of my parents' unemployment was weighing in; my motivation in every day routines was waning. What the heck am I doing with my life--what the heck was I doing HERE? I started to lose confidence in myself, I started to think that my dreams wasn't going to turn into reality because of so many factors/obstacles in front of me. If only I had something to get me excited.
Enter Some Dude. I have known Some Dude for a while, but I didn't pay much attention to him in the few semesters that we've known each other. But I was getting signs that he "liked" me. Wow!Wow! A guy who likes me? I HAVE to like him too. Matter of fact, I have to make sure I do everything in my power to make sure he likes me, and continues to like me. Because, of course, there had to be solid, GOLD reasons why he would like someone like me. Suddenly my life revolved on getting Some Dude to like me--guarantee like me. So I made sure to be the type of girl he would like. I changed my interests to match his, I changed my goals just to make sure he could fit into them, I changed the way I laughed (yes. this is true. I studied how people laughed and copied it and practiced it) so he would think I was fun; I changed the way I talked, so we could be on the same page (it wasn't that he was stupid/dumb, but he just avoided being smart). He would have to like me now that I became his "ideal" girl, right? Let's hang out--all the time! I asked him out a couple of times, & we had an okay time. But then, my plan of getting him to confess his feelings like Usher wasn't working. Wait....does this mean he doesn't like me? I was giving up. Suddenly there was a voice in my head saying, "Why would he ever like YOU?" And I believed that voice. I believed that I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't funny enough, I was basically not good enough for him to like me, for anyone to like me. In hindsight, it was never about Some Dude. I didn't really like him for who he was--I only liked him because I just wanted someone to like me, because I didn't like myself. Because to be honest, when we did go out, we had nothing to talk about. The air was dead and dry. But I still convinced myself to like him.
After this, I continued to listen to the voice that I wasn't good enough. During the summer after Get Some Dude To Like You mission, I was supposed to meet my aunt and cousin--I hadn't seen them in years. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "I'm never going to impress them." You know when you haven't seen someone in a long time, and you think, when you DO see them again, you want to impress them--show them that in the long time you haven't seen each other, that you've done something with your life--you had this major transformation romantic comedies could envy? Well, that voice in my head was telling me, "They're going to be SO disappointed when they see you." So you know what I did? I locked myself in the bathroom, sat on the floor hugging my knees, crying, as my aunt and little cousin were eating dinner with my family. I told them I wasn't feeling well and needed to be cooped up in the bathroom for a while. I heard them laughing, and chatting, and having a good time. Something they could do well without me. No one needed me to have a good time, and that was fine with me. Better to disappear.
That same summer, I was supposed to go to ballet class, but I could never manage to go. the thought of my fat self in a leotard was so scary. (even though I had been studying ballet for years). I quit ballet. When school started again, I made sure to avoid Some Dude, even though, poor guy, he had no idea what was going on. I made no effort into my appearance. I wore the same sweater everyday, and I didn't make any effort to make friends or talk to classmates. I was fine being melded into the background. I had no appetite for learning. I couldn't care less about what happened in class. Starting a paper made my heart race. Sure, before I procrastinated, even in high school. But this time, I felt paralyzed. I was so scared of failing, but I failed anyway.
I know none of it made sense. But then something happened & it made me take a good hard look at my suicidal thoughts. It made me turn around and say, I need to take some control over my life.
I can't be afraid anymore. The things that I could do without any worry, without any thought, gave me panic attacks. I deleted my Facebook, got off every social media site, because I wanted to isolate myself. I didn't want any human interactions because I didn't like myself, so who would like me?
I know it sounds weird, and maybe it doesn't make any sense. but I was tired without having done anything. I didn't care about what happened to me. I didn't care about anything.
Then 2014 came, and things were changing. I got an internship, and the people there made me feel less afraid of interacting with people. in fact, I was getting better at it. I wanted to talk to people. I wanted to look nice, and made an effort in how I looked. I was interested in my classes. I was re-gaining confidence.
It wasn't an overnight thing. To this day, I still get little panics over the simplest things. But I'm motivated to get better. I am aware of all the wonderful things life has to offer, has yet to offer. But I also know things aren't just handed to you--nothing is guaranteed. Our job is to make the most of everything. I am actually grateful for that period of depression because it gave me a certain softness that I didn't have before. I am also consciously aware of the feeling of being afraid, so I can make an intended effort to NOT be afraid. Whenever I feel scared, I think of it as a challenge that needs to be overcome, rather than letting the fear dictate what I can't do.

interning w. american ballet theatre

last spring i had the blessing of an opportunity to intern in the special events department of american ballet theatre, my favorite ballet company in the world! my first pair of ballet slippers came in an ABT box; the first ballet that i ever saw was ABT's production of Swan Lake with Michelle Wiles as Odette/Odile & Cory Stearns as the Prince. this company means a lot to me, so being able to wake up every other day to head to 890 Broadway has been like a dream.

everything - from the administration office, to the studios where the company rehearses, to the JKO school - is located at 890 Broadway, an old building that still has man-operated elevators--and so much history! every time i went to the bathroom, i would pass by the piano music and see glimpses of my favorite ballet dancers rehearsing. in the hallways, i saw roberto bolle, misty copeland, hee seo, isabella boylston, and even Natalia Makarova!!! (she's so tiny! but i love her head scarf!)

all that aside, the actual internship experience was so worthwhile. my mentor/boss was/is awesome and she was so patient with me (b/c i made a LOT of mistakes), and i am so grateful that I got to work with her in preparing for the spring gala. as a special events intern, i worked mostly with the database system called Raiser's Edge (I wrote a blog post about it on the ABT intern blog - check it out by clicking here!) My relationship with Raiser's Edge was a shaky, sometimes abusive & frustrating one, haha, but knowing how to work it is essential if you want to work at a non-profit.

In preparing for the spring gala, I helped organize the guest list, seating, bios, invitations...it was actually pretty fun! but of course, May brought the real fun times, even though it was a pretty busy month, especially since I was also juggling final exams. The spring gala was awesome, and I was surprised at how smoothly it went (thanks to the amazing team at ABT!). There were a lot of celebrities, most notably Selena Gomez, whom I've heard was really nice and friendly, although I never got the chance to interact with her, oh well. i had so many precious memories of that night--hopefully if i ever become rich i can buy myself a ticket one day!

May was also the start of ABT's Met opera season, which meant I basically was going back and forth to Lincoln Center! the other interns and I got to meet Charles Barker, one of the conductors, and basically go through the maze that is the backstage of the met opera house! I even got to sit in a box seat! Let me tell you, a box seat is magical and adds some fancy time to the ballet seeing experience. a funny story: some of the interns and i were suppose to sit in one of the boxes after helping out in an event but there were people already sitting in our seats (even though we had the ticket). we went to the usher about it, and it turns out that Kevin McKenzie and company were the ones sitting in our seats! oops! but they were all really nice about it, & let us sit down. it was funny and embarrassing and wow - awesome to sort of meet Kevin McKenzie!

i have to say this experience at ABT has meant a lot to me. 2013 was not a good year for me, but having this experience early this year was truly a blessing and helped me out a lot, more than what can be put on a resume. my co-workers are really the nicest people ever, and i hope they will find success in everything they do. ABT will always have a special place in my heart. not only as a ballet geek, but as a part of this crazy journey that is growing up!